Sorry for the radio silence but the past week has had my mind so engrossed in thought and reflection that I couldn't muster up the drive and desire to write here. If you follow me on Twitter and Instagram you have probably suspected something was up from some of the pictures and messages I have sent and I am now able to share it with you all.
The first week in January I was taken surprise by a phone call from a former employer of mine. They had heard I was no longer working and were creating a position that if approved, brought me to mind. If it was to materialize they wanted to know if it would be something I could consider. Not one to shy away from opportunity when it comes knocking, I said of course I would be interested.
After the phone call, I was an emotional wreck. It was the last thing I had ever expected to have happen. I have not spent a single day seeking a job since I have been home. To be totally honest with you, the most perplexing thought to me is of having an opportunity in front of me that would force me to make a decision between my love of being home and going back to work. I shared these thoughts and fears with my mother who simply suggested I pray that the position would never materialize and no choices would need to be made if it was simply not meant to be. And so I did.
Weeks went by and I never heard a thing. It was a huge relief, although the nagging thought still lurked in the back of my mind. What if??? As fate would have it, my husband found me one evening with the phone plastered to his ear listening to voice mail....they called. It was happening in front of my eyes.
Taking deep breaths and a moment to gather my thoughts, my husband and I agreed that I should seek out all the information I could get and in essence, ride it to the end of the line until a decision needed to be made. Telling myself every day, "you have nothing to lose" "you're in control of your own destiny now" were becoming my daily mantras. But I still suffered an internal nagging and dismay. No amount of self convincing and empowerment can change my sadness at the thought of no longer being simply a "housewife" or "SAHM".
Don't get me wrong, it has been a struggle as much as a pleasure. I never imagined there would an "adjustment". I have been a mom for almost half of my life already....what could there possibly be to adjust to? As many of you have already surmised from being on this journey with me...it indeed HAS been an adjustment. Adjusting to not having a rigid daily schedule once everyone is off to school and work, feeling helpless that my contribution to the household monetarily is no longer powerful, struggling with anxiety that while all of our bills are paid in full and on time, if a car was to break down and the furnace blow up my selfish decision to quit a job I despised could cause us some financial stress was at times overwhelming. I was used to providing. But in a way much different than just being cook and housekeeper.
I also never expected to change internally so drastically. Oh, but you all noticed...taking me by surprise and warming my heart time and time again with your comments and emails. Every priority I had has changed.
I have changed.
And I like the new me.
So how could I give it all up?
Simply because my family has told me too. Each of my children, has come to me on their own and in their own words told me they want me to take it. My husband as well. And so this morning, I picked up the phone and made the call that will once again shift our destiny and future. I accepted it.
Three weeks from today I start. It's exciting and a bit nerve wracking all at once.
And just when I had really settled in to my new lifestyle...
p.s. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere from here...this blog was being written for two full years while I juggled my life as a working mom. In fact, the shop is staying open too. I'm putting some of the winter merchandise on sale this week to make way for spring and early summer merchandise.