Life has felt surreal.
My head is reeling with so many thoughts on life and death and our purpose here on earth and while I am dying to start pounding out some of these things on the keyboard, I don't want to be a big, fat, cyberspace downer either.
So for now I am just keeping all these thoughts to myself.
The kids and I travel to North Carolina this week for my Pop's wake and mass and then back home for his funeral here in NJ.
It's weird knowing he's gone, but none of it feels real yet since all of the formalities have been postponed until this week.
My husband decided to fire up our charcoal grill tonight for the first time ever to cook some filet mignons for Mother's Day.
The smell of the charcoal wafting through the windows and clinging to his shirt instantly took me back to my childhood summers at the beach club my grandparents belonged to.
Memories of meals grilling at sunset and my Pop's dancing in the sand after a few too many cocktails felt so bittersweet.
I instantly thought of these photos I snapped of my daughter running on the beach a few weeks ago and for a few moments I longed to be that carefree child once again.
The kid who ran along the shoreline, covered in sand, blonde hair bouncing in the breeze without a care in the world.
Untouched by sadness and the cruelness life can bring.
Tonight I am going to close my eyes and remember those nights on the beach.
Toes buried deep in the cool sand, happy voices singing and laughing, magical sunsets and the warmth of love from someone who held the title "Grandfather" and only acted out the part of "Father".
Those are the memories I need tonight.